All so good, all so happy!!! My Room with a private balcony at Hotel Lao. Perfect.
Started off at 3.30 am on Wed. 31st August with my baggage for a year. Met up with Susan who will also be working in Savannakhet and almost 24 hours later, put my head down on the pillow in my French Colonial style hotel room for a dead to the world sleep. Phew! No disasters, just lots of queuing, waiting, walking (never knew how big Bangkok airport actually was!) queuing, and transiting. Oh, and more queuing. Some thoughts I noted down on the trip…
It’s been difficult staying set on my goals with all these goodbyes and unknowns. Matilda and Pol, dad, Rob and Helen and Rani this morning – they all matter so much to me and there’s no promise that I’ll see dad again – he’s so tired…
2hrs from Bangkok: I’ve been dozing for hours. Thoughts slowing down. I remember feeling guilty, no, selfish. Dad seems to have come to terms with me leaving by concocting a story that I was working for the govt., taking on a very important role as a representative of Australia and tax payers. He made me out to be generous and altruistic. I’m glad he’s made sense of it this way, but when I reflect I can’t help but think that I’m simply being selfish. I’m going where I want to go and doing what I want to do, and deserting my family in the process.
In fact I dread the idea of living at a snail’s pace [in Melbourne] simply to keep things humming along in the same way. My ambitions have never been to simply succeed and maintain the status quo, or to get the most excellent job and work my way to the top. Sure there’s been moments when I’ve applied for jobs and imagined such a life but I never get it. And if I did, I can imagine the initial interest/passion would soon wane. [Life is too precious].
Last leg – Flight to Vientiane
I’m not quite ‘getting’ that I’m embarking on a year away, working in a strange country and culture, away from familiar ‘comforts’ of home. Yet I’m excited but I’m sort of resigned to it – I decided this was what I wanted to do, and now I’m almost there.
This is where I wonder about my selfish motives. But then again, it is not as though I ignore the potential impact it may have on my kids (I actually believe it is a wonderful thing for them too). I probably ignore, or just cannot know, the impact it might have on me [or them]. I don’t have ‘planned outcomes’ – generally it is unknowable. Like so many other decisions we do or don’t make – we don’t know how it will turn out, or impact on all those involved. But business/management – even teaching/education, is full of ‘outcomes’. A ‘good’ project will be one with specified outcomes and steps to achieve those delineated results. Is that really what life is about? And why is it that I am always so keen to talk about ‘life’, rather than career, earning potential, possessions, reputation?